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I think that everyone has moments when they wonder if they were actually present in their bodies (or at least their minds) after doing something. I know I most certainly do ask myself, sometimes... "Where the heck was I, and who was the stranger that momentarily had control over my body?" You know, the feeling after you've done something, said something, acted a certain way, only to look back and ask "Was that really me?" I'm pretty sure we all have moments when we feel "less than ourselves," or times when we don't act like ourselves.

But this isn't a post about when we're not ourselves, or at our least... this is a post about what makes us act our best. What makes you feel comfortable in your skin, makes you happy, makes you feel alive. There doesn't have to be just one thing. It can be several pieces; places, people, activities, etc. In Kananaskis, it felt like all the pieces floating around finally came together and I was whole again. There were just so many things that made me feel alive.

Once again, the first thing I think of is running. But not just anywhere.... there's this path that winds in and out by the river, where it's just me, the green of the forest, the trees overhead, the path in front of me that's just begging for me to leave my footprints on it. And my breathing. It's this amazing twisting, turning, overgrown trail, with fallen trees and mud pits and thin planks of wood over the small streams. It's amazing and I hope I can find something similarily un-maintained in Edmonton... I'll cross my fingers but I have my doubts.

What else is there? I love rafting, it's such a rush. A hard paddle with that great wave as a reward. I love the kids; it's so much fun to talk them into seeing how much potential they really have. I feel alive when I hear a great song, either in my room, or anywhere that feels right, and I can't help but dance, don't think about it for a second, just feel and move. To feel free of any inhibition, to never hold back anything. To laugh at something hilarious. To laugh at nothing at all. To ride down a long downhill after a long uphill, and let go of the handlebars, because it feels like you're flying. And for a second... maybe you really are. Diving into a still pool. Telling the kids an outrageous story and hearing their protests and laughter. Mountains. A surprise hug. Running through a sprinkler in 30 degree heat. Road trips. Getting lost (somewhat deliberately) and taking your time finding your way back. Making someone you love or care about smile, because you've been able to show them, for a second, what you see in them that makes them so wonderful.

I think that loving someone makes you feel alive. Like when you're with them, the missing pieces come together and suddenly, you're the person you've always wanted to be. The person that you knew was inside you somewhere, just waiting to surface. And this is what makes it so hard to be apart from, or lose someone you love. You no longer have that key that you need to unlock yourself.

I don't know if I ever manage to express an ounce of what I ever really feel, but somehow, in trying to, I get some sort of wonderful satisfaction. Thanks for spending the time to listen to my thoughts... I've been so blessed to have so many wonderful friends who really care. I want you all to know that I always keep a part of you with me, and that I wouldn't be the same without it.

(...good night!)