Despite You

So scared of leaving me behind
When I found it in you
Yet, I like it so much better
and you
you have much less than
I originally thought...
leaving me far ahead
and you
you are stranded behind,
choking on your emptiness.

Because while everything changed
I still have what I believe in
and I never gave it away.

And your lies
Cannot hurt me
because lies only hurt those
that believe them
and take them to heart
but I've kept mine pure
despite you
and yours
just pretty to look at
but never to touch.

So I've let go
and sometimes I still wonder
if everything that happened
was all just pretty to look at
and if there ever was anything
that I touched
that really was pure
and beautiful
and worth keeping for myself.

Or maybe that's just me
innocent, trusting, insecure
that sees everything
as real
yet always one step away
behind this wall
waiting
for the lies to surface.

and I like everything that's come
of this and become part of me
but you'll never know
because I'm closed now
and though you don't see it
and didn't realize it was there
I've painted that wall between us
a colour opague and changing
and you'll never see through it
again.

Song: Sense Field - Save yourself
Picture: Just this...

I like long walks on the beach...

Taboo

Ramblings....

I have no idea what I think about the male population in general right now. Except that I do like guys, and I really have no idea why. They don't seem to serve that much purpose. Still, I like them all, every last one of them. I like flirting and enjoying their company and I like it when they like me in return. I like it when they do thoughtful things, like opening doors, pulling out chairs, holding me to warm me up, letting me sleep on their shoulder, walking me home, massages... okay, so maybe they do serve a purpose. But when it comes to dating, I am incredibly picky and never can make anything last more than a few dates. I just never like them enough to put in the effort. Is something wrong with me? Or them? Or both?

All I know is that, it's been a very, very long time since I had my socks knocked off by someone I really really liked. I'm sure it's been said before, but I really want someone I would like enough to work for, and someone who would work hard for me too. Someone that would make me care about shaving my legs. Someone I would think about first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I want that, and while I'm open to dating new guys, I guess all I'm really doing is waiting for that right person to come along and make me purchase some new razors. So... that sounds somewhat psychotic. But that person would laugh and understand. So where is that person? Will I ever meet them? Do I already know them? Have they been there all along and I've been too blind to notice? If this sounds desperate, trust me, I'm not really searching, just waiting and biding my time. He wouldn't have to be that attractive. Some of they guys I've dated have been really good looking, and some have been average, and I've found it isn't the outside that makes me want to be with someone. He wouldn't have to have money, or a car, or a fancy job. But he would have tons of personality. He would not only be able to keep up with me, but he would challenge me further. He would somehow just be right, and feel right. Sometimes, though, I wonder if that person really exists, because I've gone through a lot of really great guys and I'm just hoping it's not all for naught.

Sometimes, I think I should go back to my "not into dating because I'm too busy policy."

Life seemed a lot simpler then.

Song: Howie Day - Collide
Picture: I'll get nervous again

Let's just pause it right here....

I feel the need to write again...

It snowed on Friday, but just not enough. Tonight I was at Becky's and it snowed a bit better. It felt so fabulous to ride home in it; just like my chest felt lighter, my heart a bit more hopeful, my lips a little less heavy to lift into a smile. So much less heavy, but I just felt full inside. When I unlocked the door and looked up into the sky, with the light illuminating the falling snow, I felt alive again. I spun around and around on the patio until I got too dizzy, then just danced until it felt right to say good night and go inside.

It take me back to that one rainy night, so long ago in Kananaskis...

Dancing outside under the stars, just by myself, with no one to watch that I can see...

Sometimes life is so beautiful it makes me want to cry.

Song: Bolero
Picture: Fantastic