Way back when... that picture perfect summer...

Vacation

Vacation: A period of time devoted to pleasure, rest, or relaxation.

I really don't remember the last time I've truly been on a vacation. Sure, I've gone somewhere and spent a few hours of vacation while there. My parents have never been the vacationing type. It's been mainly camping. Camping is something I really love doing. However, camping has too much purpose involved. And rest and relaxation isn't something that really happens in a tent or camper with mosquitos everywhere, with no running water and freezing nights. Rest and relaxation happens on a warm beach, in a jacuzzi, or on a cruise ship, or at a bed and breakfast somewhere.

I need a real, true, vacation. Right now I'm starting to doubt where I am in life. Am I really doing what I want? Or just spinning, set on a course with no real set destination because that's just the path I happened to make for myself? I know the answer is yes, I am doing what I want. But I just need to get away for a little bit and let myself figure that out. I want to get away from all the people I'm trying to please and that I'm letting steer my life without even realizing it. I need to get really happy doing nothing at all, until I get bored and restless and realize that I need this to stimulate me. "This" being everything I get myself into.. the volunteer, the triathlon stuff, the class, the job, the friends (and boys).

Sometimes I want to throw my cell phone as far away as I can, dump my computer in the Saskatchewan, ignoring the 50 new emails I get every day, and step out of my shoes (leaving no one else to fill them... would the world survive?) walking barefoot off into the wild. I'd roll up my pants and jump through all the puddles the way I do when I go for a run. Go on a horseback ride to nowhere in particular. Spin around and around on a carousel and roll down a long, grassy hill. There'd be no one there to do everything that I've been doing for the last few years. I just realized how much I'm taken for granted, not only by the people I love, but by myself. I wish I could say I'm going to back off and give myself a break, but until I distance myself from this city, I just never let myself. This is my "today" rant. Tomorrow will be better. But I can still hope... and wish... can't I?

I wish student loans also had a portion in the budget they make up for me saying "Vacation funds to save poor overworked student's sanity."

Song: Blue Rodeo - Try
Picture: How long is the night?

Constellations

Tomorrow.
I put it away once more,
everything I knew
and even some of it
I had once forgotten
and let the rest
drift away
like marbles rolling, rolling
out of my hands
into space, and maybe
one day they'll become
constellations
of memories.

Yesterday.
So afraid,
you hope no one
recognizes the colour
of the wall
you hide behind
...but you're trapped.
Pain is like nothing else
It can consume, yet
you become accustomed
and somehow, you survive
you grow strength
and step carefully
around the marbles
that pull you down
again and again
and again.

Today.
You find a marble
in your pocket
and it isn't the same one
stolen, so long ago
No worse, no better
Still a sphere, different
from each angle
But it's cold now,
so you try to give it away
but it warms too quickly
with another's touch...

Forever.
Finding within me
All I thought I had lost
Please, don't let me
fall, and don't let me
Let you keep those
marbles rolling, rolling
beneath your feet
We're strong enough
to pick them up
and put them so high,
so high, so high,
nobody can reach
when we finally
let go.

Song: Pilate - Long Gone
Picture: I tried to hold on

Rockin' Socks

As some people know, when I say "You rock my socks!", it is quite possibly the best compliment I can give someone. That is because my socks are most precious to me. To demonstrate, here are some of my favourite socks. Hopefully, now it is easy to see why not just anyone can be a "rocker of socks". It takes someone very special indeed.

Picture: There's nothing wrong with me.
Song: Stereophonics - A Thousand Trees

Cleaning out my closet

Out with the old, in with the new.

Today I cleaned out my closet again. It's been tough to say goodbye, but today I bagged up 28 shirts and 6 bottoms that I no longer wear. All together, that makes over 50 shirts and 15 bottoms that I've nixed from my closet because they either don't fit, are falling apart, or I simply don't wear because my tastes have changed since first year. 50 shirts!! Who needs 50 shirts?? Who cares if most of them were free or from the 7th grade. That's still a lot of shirts. More than I will ever wear, and I don't normally wait 50 days before doing laundry. It feels good to be "released" from all that annoying clothing in my closet that got in the way of my finding something to wear.

Question. When should you throw away underwear? What if they no longer stay up, but still look good? (aside from the fact that you constantly try to "discreetly" pull them up in public). What if they are incredibly comfortable and stay up well, but are so full of holes that you're not sure if there's more fabric or space in between? I realize that I should probably throw away both, but somehow, I always find myself overattached to old underwear. I mean, if no one really sees much of them, why should I worry about replacing them if they're still moderately serviceable?

On the other hand, I just went through and removed all my "holey" socks and I still have over 50 pairs left, most of which are colourful and unique. I do believe I accumulate them at a faster rate than I can go through them. A different view from my shirts is to be had here. I consider every single pair important and tears are shed whenever I have to throw old socks away. Getting new and awesome socks is always an exciting present. Do I have a sock problem? Should I start a group... Sockaholics anonymous? "Hi, my name is Jeanine, and it has been six days since I bought my last pair of socks..."

What an odd and random post.

I should probably stop procrastinating from cleaning out my email inbox and my last term's notes.

In related news... and a bigger deal, although I'm taking it remarkably well... today was the last day of my Big Brothers & Sisters little sister match. Maggie is so amazing, and it was hard for both of us to say goodbye. She's the sweetest, most friendly girl in her entire school. But we both knew this day was coming, and I had already cried the tears I was going to cry well in advance. So, it wasn't as difficult as I thought it might be. Really, it's a new step forward. She'll have another Big Sister that can give her the attention she deserves. So, I've spent three years in the Big Brothers and Sisters program, and I've loved it. I know I'll be back in the future when I have more time and can make the three or four hour committment a week without worrying. I'm excited about being able to be the kind of Big Sister that another child like Maggie deserves. The chance to put some happiness and love in someone's life might sound so small, but in truth, it's huge. I can't imagine a life without love, and no one should ever have to.

Picture: Nothing will ever change, if you don't change it
Song: Free Falling - Tom Petty

Antifreeze 2006 Champions!!

I present... the Mighty Muggles!!!

Go check out more antifreeze photos on my msn space.
I couldn't be prouder of my team. They definitely deserve the free Jasper ski passes we won. If all goes according to plan, we'll be leaving this reading week.

But, I've still got this oh so fun cold and need a good night's sleep to recover. On the upside, I've recovered my voice so I can complain again instead of squeaking and making hand signals.

Picture: Fantastic
Song: Nine Inch Nails - Right Where it Belongs

Antifreeze 2006!!

So much has happened. I'm pooped. Why am I up at 3 am? Not enough hours in the day. Antifreeze continues to suck away my soul and any hope of free time. And I love it.

So... important info. The new and improved Jeanine:

-Is now a lifeguard and has aquatic emergency care. Pia carries are the devil.
-Has managed to get through the last 5 days with sanity partially intact.
-Has a pretty damned fine antifreeze team with some pretty damned fine photos to show for it.
-Can now whistle loudly (albeit with some difficulty) by sticking fingers in her mouth.
-Has been running regularily for the past week, even with all the insanity going on.
-Can do a heck of a lot on next to no sleep.

Good night!!

Song: Papa Roach - Scars
Picture: In the same boat.

I Wanted It That Way

Cleaning up my room and found this link lying around....

Go watch this video.
Absolutely hilarious.

New Year's Eve

On the way to Edmonton, the sunrise almost blew me away... I don't think I've ever seen the sun so huge before! Maybe it had something to do with the time of the year?